1 Year of Mommyhood!

It's been a year since I became a mommy, though it seems that my journey started much earlier. I feel my journey started many years ago, but I think my first decision as a mommy was when I had to decide to go off anxiety medicine. Michael and I spent a lot of time talking, reading, and consulting with doctors. In the end I decided that I could never live with myself wondering if the medicine had somehow done something to our baby. I stopped my medicine as soon as I got a positive pregnancy test. And, while pregnancy hormones kept me on a mostly even keel (as even as a pregnant lady can expect), I still had a lot of worry about our baby.

I hated being pregnant. I was exhausted, had a lot of ligament pain, and just hated all the waiting. I read a book one time, in which a woman said she wished there was a little window in her belly so she could just make sure everything was going okay. I felt like that. When the doctor told me I was 100% effaced, 2 weeks before I was due, I was sure Isaac was going to come that day. When he didn't come that day, or the next, or the next, I wailed to Michael that, "Isaac doesn't want to come meet us!" Isaac appeared shortly after that, and I instantly wished I had gotten more sleep! I won't talk about labor now, except to say that it was everything and nothing like I had expected.

So many women on television talk about how wonderful it feels to be a mother, and how sleep deprivation couldn't keep them from seeing how amazing everything was. I did NOT feel this way. I don't survive well on little sleep and the post-pregnancy hormones took me on a horrible roller-coaster. Breastfeeding was difficult, exhausting, and left me feeling nauseous and dizzy. Michael was in the middle of finishing his thesis and planning trips for job interviews. We had wonderful help from my mom and his, but it was just overwhelming. Despite this, there were some peaceful moments, and some hilarious moments. I never realized how much I could laugh about baby poop at 3 AM with my husband. And, seriously, nobody ever told me that breastfed baby poop is extremely messy and explosive! It was like a secret that was kept from me to convince me to have a child.

I can't cram a discussion about 12 months of motherhood into just one blog. But, I will say that it has been a crazy year for all 3 of us. I have to say that I relate much better to a 1 year old than to a 1 month old. I love the interactions between me and Isaac and I love to see him smile. I feel, however, that I am a horrible mother. Somewhere deep down, I know that's not true, but I think I definitely don't live up the expectations I had for myself as a mother. I wished that being the kind of mother my mom was/is came naturally to me. I have much less patience than I desire. I have much less strength than I thought I had. I cry - a lot! I feel I don't have enough emotional energy to give Isaac all day long. But, I can't imagine not being a stay at home mom right now. I can't imagine not seeing his little face whenever I want, or to have someone else determine his meals for the day.

Isaac is a very independent little boy. He's stubborn, willful, goofy, sweet, and full of energy. When I try to play with him, he takes the toys away from me and plays with them on the other side of the room. Sometimes that hurts, but then he comes over and hugs me and smiles the big cheesy grin, and I laugh and remember he's his own little person. It's hard to believe he's his own, independent, real person, but as he exhibits more of his personality, this reality is sinking in.

I'm sure things are going to be both harder and easier than they have been. I'm sure at times I will hate being a mommy (as there have been times in the past year), and there will be times that I love it. I will yell, but I will never be "ugly". I get frustrated, but have no desire to be mean, or rude. I give hugs and kisses freely and maybe even too often. I give what I can of myself, but I already know that it will never feel like enough to me. I'm still struggling to find out how to be a mommy and not lose myself.

After a year (or more) of being a mother, I can say I am glad we were blessed with our little boy. And I love watching him learn and grow. I am excited and apprehensive about the years ahead, and I am glad I have the opportunity to nurture this little life.

We have a house!

So, after an intense month of looking, we found a house we like. We've gone through inspections, repairs, bank paperwork, and we've come down to less than a week before we close on it!

We just did a final walkthrough today to find out if they did all the repairs, and everything looks good. We even tested the dishwasher, which the inspection had told us was broken, and it seems to be working.

I should be ecstatic, but all I can think about is all the things we need/want to do to the house and the costs associated. I want to paint every room. I want to tear down terrible wallpaper in the hallway. I want to pull out toilets, vanities, and medicine cabinets and replace them. I want to put in new closet doors since the current doors are broken. I want to clean the carpet in the bedrooms. I want Michael to be done putting in the bamboo floors. I want to paint inside the cabinets in the kitchen. I want to clean everything! I want to baby-proof. I want to put a new sink in the kitchen. I want to put new tile in the bathrooms. I want to pull down all the ugly paneling in the den and put up drywall. I want to put in a nice mantle. I don't want Michael to tear down the entertainment center they've put in (hopefully he can salvage it before he tears out the carpet!).

Some of these things we can do before we move in. But, I can't do much while dealing with Isaac, and I hate relying other people (although I have asked for help), and I very much appreciate their generous offers and will take some of them up on them. Once Michael goes in to start putting bamboo floors in the main living room and hallway to the bedrooms, I can't even get in there to do anything because I can't bring Isaac there while he's pulling up old carpet, grinding on concrete to level it, and using urethane glue to glue down the planks.

Michael doesn't even know how long it's going to take him to do any of the work on the floors, which very much worries me. We can really choose to be out of our apartment whenever we want, but I want to plan for the friends who will help us move and I want to know before we have to pay our entire April rent.

I'm trying to be patient, but I'm just really anxious to be able to get started on things I can't even get started on.

But, it will be so nice to have our own house, to have a place for Isaac to run around in a yard, and a place we can do whatever we want with. I'm itching to try different paint colors, and really be able to express myself with my home. I'm not a decorator in any sense, but almost everything we use to decorate our home means something. I'm not a fan of buying lots of meaningless stuff to hang on the wall to decorate with. I'm a fan of functional or meaningful decoration, but that's just my style. I'm hoping this house will be a great creative outlet for me! And the great open kitchen with all the light from the windows will be awesome for doing more cooking and baking! I look forward to eventually starting a vegetable garden, getting some berry plants, and planting pretty flowers in the front.

I would love to do everything at once, and so would Michael, but I think he's going to have to get some patience just like me. In reality, there are only a few things we'll be able to do before moving in and the rest will have to happen when they happen (hopefully within a year).

Isaac LOVES this toy. He used to be terribly afraid of it and cry. But, now he likes it so much that he yells very loudly when it's turned on.

Busy Times

I thought I'd start a blog so that our friends and family who are far away (and anyone other friends and family that would like to read) can know what's going on in our lives.

About a month ago, Isaac started taking a few steps steps on his own. He's been walking along the furniture since about 7 months, but he started taking steps unsupported. Then, this past week, Isaac started walking on his own across much longer distances, and even standing up by himself in the middle of the floor and walking over to us on the couch. He is so proud of himself and gets big smiles when we clap and cheer. Grandma Harmon is coming in 4 weeks and she'll probably have to be chasing Isaac around by then!

At the same time, last week, he started babbling. He spent all day on Saturday babbling away, sometimes very loudly. He's been more focused on moving around than on "talking" and it's exciting to finally hear him really belting it out. He learned about his tongue recently, too, and has been sticking it out a lot. Sometimes he even sticks his tongue out to taste food before he'll open his mouth up!

Michael and I have also been experiencing some firsts as we've been looking to buy our first home. I've been going out quite a lot, with Isaac, to look at houses and see which ones we think Michael should see. It's exhausting, and sometimes disheartening, but Isaac has really enjoyed seeing all the new places. I carry him in a child-harness and he just takes in all the sights. He really likes our real estate agent too and squeals every time she looks at him.

We're going to make our first offer on a house tomorrow and we aren't sure what to expect from this leg of the process. I'm sure we'll have more frustrations and more anxiety before we finally close on something. But, it's a great new step in our lives, even if it is a little scary.

We really miss our family, but we have made some great friends here in MS. I'm very surprised because I don't make friends easily. Perhaps I was motivated by necessity to be more open to new people. Joining a mom's group also helped!

Hopefully I'll be able to post soon about a new house, but if not, I'm sure Isaac will give us some great new things to post about!